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It’s the Holiday Season and with this comes the infamous classroom party. I love classroom parties: the kids singing carols, a feast where we all bring a side dish to share, crafts, and games. One of the most entertaining aspects of all are the different parent personalities that enter the classroom.
When people have a child they enter the universal posse known as parenthood. Before entering this club of pure joy, insanity, and despair, we all had our all unique personality traits. It’s no wonder that we apply this individuality to our own particular parenting style. Some of you might be wondering…
Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered as I love people watching. Here is a humorous tongue-in-cheek look of some parenting styles that I have witnessed over the years at various classroom parties!
She’s perfect! She smells like sugar and Starbucks, and looks as if she was styled by the celebrity stylist Karla Welch. Her kid has on an outfit, just as chic, that coordinates with hers, allowing for the perfect photo opportunities. She’ll want to document the entire event on instagram because she planned the entire party, right down to the handcrafted placemats. Her side dish looks like something Ina Garten created, and I can’t even pronounce the name of the dish nor do I recognize a single ingredient. She claims it’s simple and anyone could make the dish, yet I’m skeptical as my cooking abilities are not that extensive. When I thank her for all her hard work, she claims it was a breeze, and I actually believe her. She must be a magician or have full time help; either way I’m envious.
She walks into the classroom precisely on time, looking as divine as Olivia Pope in her St. John power suit. She sits next to her child and does not get up to converse with other parents, as she is too busy between stimulating conversation with her child and occasionally checking emails on her iPhone. She’s mysterious and alluring, and I truly believe she is the reason the world keeps turning. Her child is completely independent, and basically teaches the lessons for the teacher when they have a teacher mandated planning period. Her side dish contribution is the paper plates we are eating off, and because it’s functional she has basically become the savior of the party. Ten minutes before the party is to conclude, google sends her a calendar reminder that it’s time to leave for her next appointment. Damn she’s so smart, and I feel so basic. She gives her child a handshake as if she just closed a business deal and then leaves. There is absolutely no drama, no complaining, no whining, nor crying. As she walks out, I am in awe and it makes me feel like I just witnessed something out of a movie contrived by Hollywood.
She does Yoga every morning with her newborn attached to her in a sling, carries around a water bottle that says "save the world" on it, and has never fed her family processed foods. She’s standing amongst the other parents breastfeeding her 3 week old baby that was delivered via home birth with a doula. She has the gentle calmness of Mother Teresa, and it makes me feel like a total failure of a human being, because I spaz out often. Her side dish is of course, vegan, and made with all natural ingredients. Her kid keeps needing to use the bathroom. You see, the rest of us used processed food to create our side dishes and now her kid can’t stop shitting.
He is somehow present at every school event, yet holds a full time job. His wife is home with their twin 2 year olds, so you barely see her these days. He walks into a room and instantly every child runs up to him, refers to him by his first name, and gives him a hug. This Dad knows every kid in the classroom by name, knows their personal hobbies, and he even seems to have inside jokes with the teachers. He gets down on the floor with the kids and instantly everyone is cooperatively playing in a group. He made a side dish with fresh herbs from his garden, and it makes my side dish look as appetizing as frozen Stouffers mac n’ cheese. He’s so polite he eats the pile of crap I brought, and actually gives me a sincere compliment. He makes me loathe myself and my own husband all at the same time. Why are we such losers?
She comes to the school 10 minutes late holding Starbucks that she purchased 3 hours ago, and its temperature is as cold as winter in Maine. She spends 20 minutes in the wrong classroom before she realizes it’s not that she got the date wrong, but that she has the incorrect room number. Her hair is in a messy bun, her Mickey T-shirt is inside out, and her yoga pants have a stain on them from last night’s dinner. The only interaction you get with her are yawns and grunts because she hasn’t slept a full nights sleep in what feels like years. She makes me feel good about myself, as I realize I’m not the only one barely keeping their head above water. Solidarity sista! She literally did bring frozen Stouffer’s mac n’ cheese, and the Granola Mom’s kid has eaten three helpings.
You rarely get to meet her as she never stops helping/constantly checking on her child long enough to meet another parent. She plates, cuts, and reminds her kid to chew their food 20 times before swallowing. The food on her child’s plate is proportioned according to the most recent food.gov guidelines. If she does spend any time speaking with an adult, it is with the teacher where she asks 101 questions centering around if her child is bullied, and who their friends are in the classroom. All her questions give me a headache, and it inspires me to ask The Room Mother if she needs someone to take a picture of her and her child. I mean, they look so cute! The Helicopter Mom’s side dish comes with a PSA stating all the ingredients and any associated allergy alerts.
This mom walks into the room with a relaxed demeanor, giving her kid a high five as she passes him by to go converse with the other parents. She ran three miles this morning before her four kids got up for school, her hair smells like strawberries, and she’s dressed in jeans and a silk blouse that’s trendy, yet has an understated style. She’s very social and somehow seems to know what is going on in every single family's life, and makes it a point to ask everyone about their latest endeavors. Her interest in my most recent, lamest hobby ever makes me feel special, and I never want my time with her to end. Her four children's ages spans 12 years, and she seems to be a parenting encyclopedia as she’s seen and done it all. She’s super cool, and I want to be her when I grow up. Her side dish is simply amazing. In fact, she’s so cool that if she served me shit on stick and called it a Dole Whip bar, I would probably believe her and eat it.
This mom doesn’t walk into the classroom, as she never got to leave in the first place because her kid has been attached to her leg crying since arrival. She sees the Veteran Mom traverse pass her in all her awesomeness and begins to cry a little, for that type of cool relaxed lifestyle just seems so unattainable. For you see, the New Mom, is in what we call ‘The Trenches’. ‘The Trenches’ are where a mom is experiencing everything for the first time, doesn’t know what’s right, what’s wrong, what’s a fad, what’s fact, what’s a big deal, or what’s a little deal. For the New Mom basically doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing. The same can really be said for the rest of us, but with the New Mom it’s somewhat more obvious. She doesn’t have a side dish to share, because she never got back home to pick it up. The Jack Pearson Dad, through what I feel are his Jedi Master-like superpowers, is able to pry the child away from this mom’s leg and gets the kid to play with the others.
This mom is happy to be with her child in this exciting classroom. For children generations before her child, those kids were not included in such events. Her side dish is probably something pureed, because her kid can’t eat solid foods due to medical issues. She apologizes to the other parents since the other kids might not find her side dish appetizing, but I tell her it’s ‘okay’. I also point out how Jack Pearson Dad only complimented me on my side dish because he’s too nice to tell me I’m a ‘shitty cook’, and it makes her laugh.
This mom doesn’t get to converse as much with the other parents because she feels the need to sit on the floor with her special needs child to help them interact appropriately with other students. You see, her kid needs prompting to play with the others appropriately. Each time a peer approaches her kid, it warms her heart and terrifies her all at the same time. Her kid lacks the understanding of personal space, and she hopes it doesn’t deter the others from approaching her kid once again in the future. The kids seem unscathed by her child's attempts to hug them so tightly he basically squeezes their insides out.
She knows this moment is what it’s all about. It’s about being here right now, with her kid, and she’s so happy her child has been given the opportunity to be a part of it all.
When you see the Special Needs Mom, take a moment to say ‘hi’ and sit on the floor with her. Sometimes this mom tends to get lonely, and will love that you took the time to come talk with her. Ask her how to interact with her child. Most people don’t know how to approach kids with special needs, so they don’t approach. Or if they do, but don’t know how to properly gain the child’s attention, no rapport or relationship is built. You taking an interest and trying to learn about her kid will mean everything in the world to this mom. Ask if you can help the child interact with the other kids. This gives the Special Needs Mom maybe five minutes to use the bathroom or even to just relax. Think of what it would be like to have to be hyper-vigilant every second of the day. That, many times, is the Special Needs Mom’s reality, and it is exhausting. Even just a quick five minute respite makes a huge difference to her mental health.
Each parent personality has its own unique quality that brings a new dimension of fun to the world. Most of us can fit the description of more than one of these personalities. I feel at different phases of my life I’ve fit the description of each of these personalities. We hope you enjoy your child’s classroom parties this holiday season, and love whatever parent personality you align. Because remember, in the end, you are someone’s parent and you mean the world to them. Keep up the Good work!
Happy Holidays ~ H-Bomb Ties
